I'm like a virgin losing a child.

"I'm water, you're the dry wood
equal parts misguided and misunderstood
but all the neighborhood
watched a fire burn from where they stood
as the smoke said
"we're not half as bad as God is good"
still there's a whisper in my ear,
the voice of loneliness and fear, so I say:

"devil, disappear!
I'm still (ehh... technically...) a virgin
after 18 years-
which never bothered me before,
what's maybe 50 more?"

I don't know...
I am just glad we are still friends.

"You're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
You made a holy fool of me, and I've thanked you ever since
If she comes circling back, we'll end where we'd begun
Like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one

Or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken, open seed
If I come without a thing, I come with all I need
No boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead

I
do
not
exist
only
YOU
exist"

I just got a home made card from an ex-lover completely unexpected. Her and I's relationship was riddled with arguments and disagreeing. It ended with her saying some things that pretty much crushed me and made me say "I will never forgive you for that". Then she sends me this card that was filled with little things that reminded me of the few good moments we had. I was baffled. This was the same person that spent the past month cussing me out and making sure every single person thought differently of me even though I felt like the only thing I was guilty of was being a guy,one who tried his hardest always but still had some flaws that he was working on. I still do not understand her intentions at all but I think I'm just not going to think about it. I complete forgive her, that isn't a problem at all because I know that the things she said weren't true and she was basically just being a girl. It's just that I have no idea where we stand now or, now that I have forgiven, if I am ready to forget. You indeed have made a holy fool of me, and I've thanked you ever since.

messy

I'm a mess to be made. I'm never right but I still stand firm on my convictions solely because I can. I am never content, which is a double edged sword. If I am content it is fast fleeting and soon robbed from me by the things of this world. I am a walking train wreck that has mastered the subtle art of splitting hairs. I solve my problems one by one like a little confused penguin and dare not to look back because I know if I do I will watch it all unravel. I strive to be different then everyone else because they seem so "shallow" and realize that I am just as empty as everyone else.

I just know that I am going to get through this easy or hard.

For every mess to be made there is a lesson to be learned.

GO DIE! GAHHHH

"You could've been all I wanted
But you weren't honest
Now get in the ground
You choked off the surest of favors
But if you really loved me
You would've endured my world

Well if you're just as I presumed
A whore in sheep's clothing
F&^$ing up all I do
And if so here we stop
Then never again
Will you see me in your life

Hang on to the glory at my right hand
Here laid to rest is our love ever longed
With truth on the shores of compassion
You seem to take premise to all of these songs"

I worked harder then this.

"I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you'd want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...


But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you TO need me, for you to notice me"


"Why do people say "there is someone for everyone"? It makes me feel like the odd one out. I'd rather find out who you are, than who you're not."
-The smartest person I know

I feel like on paper I have a lot to offer someone but I must just have some crazy deterrent that I have not realized that just bats girls away. Specifically you. I'm always being told that when I go to college things will be different and girls wont be looking for the "Bad @$" and I will be having them "take a number". What happens when I go to college and that doesn't happen? What happens when I am just as lonely then as I am now? Girls like douche bags plain and simple. Maybe its time for me jump on the band wagon.

Why are you doing this to me?


P.s. I'd be there EVERY TIME you needed me.

Youth and their problems.

"This generation will not die from sin but from a lack of passion”

Youlackpassion.

You're a beautiful letdown

Redemption...

"I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am,
won't you get me?"

who seeks redemption? Us? as human beings? Who can give redemption? You?
We live in a culture where we need instant gratification and instant LOVE. If we cannot figure something out in a few days then it must not be worth it. If we cannot be what someone else needs we lie. Lying breeds destruction. I am sorry I cannot trust you instantly again... and I'm very sorry your not willing to work on gaining my trust back. I now realize you are a person who does not wish to seek redemption.

How do you measure a man?

"I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man
Well, you can doubt your worth
And search for who you are
And where you stand
But God made you in His image
When He formed you in His hands"


What are the qualities of a good man? I have found myself beating this question senselessly into my brain all day. Why are we not allowed to ever say how we feel? Why do we brush of our strong muscular features and act as if nothing ever happened even though we understand people just watched us fall... flat on our proud little faces. I say screw this system of "girls aren't allowed to do '_____'" or "MEN SHOULD NEVER '_____'!" I understand that I am not breaking down any renaissance door steps with my crazy new thinking... because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt everyone has thought it, but few will ever do anything about it and will truly seek change in themselves.

Life really isn't complicated once you realize everyone will let you down.